Freak Out!

     There's lots of things to freak out about in general and even more when you have cancer.  Before I was diagnosed, I used to freak out about every little noise when I was home alone.  I was sure the burglars were going to break in at any moment.  I've also self-diagnosed myself (with some help from WebMD) with just about every disease imaginable over the years.  I mail all my bills at the post office so that no one will take them out of my mailbox and steal my identity.  I go around the house unplugging things because I'm pretty sure that if you leave the toaster or your iPad unattended while plugged in, your house will burn down. My GPS is not set to my home address, so that no one can steal my car and then go straight to my house and rob me (see above about the burglars).


     Now I have a whole new set of things to freak out about. Most people with cancer are familiar with "scanxiety", the anxiety one feels before a scan or test.  My next scan is two weeks away and I'm already starting to feel anxious.  The last few times I've been fine until the night before, but this time I'm nervous.  I think my anxiety this time around is fueled by the fact that the last several scans have been so positive.  I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.


     I have stomach cancer.  The only symptoms I experienced before being diagnosed at stage IV were nausea and early satiation (feeling full after only a few bites of food).  Those symptoms thankfully were resolved after two chemotherapy infusions.  Occasionally, however, I have a day when I'm not hungry or don't eat very much and I freak out.  I have to talk myself down by reminding myself that everyone has a day here or there when they don't feel hungry.


     All this aside, with the help of medication, relaxation exercises, deep breathing, and not eating gluten, I'm the least depressed or anxious that I've been since I was a child.  That seems weird considering my diagnosis, treatment, and prognosis.  I guess I'll freak out about how incongruent that seems.