It's been a little while since I updated you about my treatment. The immunotherapy trial was unsuccessful for me, and landed me in the hospital multiple times. Another trial involving a targeted treatment of the FGFR protein was also unsuccessful, as the cancer was more progressed than we had realized. And so now my care has focused on keeping me comfortable in this last stage of my life.
There is something I've been meaning to blog about for months, and that is, the attention created by Brittany Maynard. It seemed like a likely blog post for me, however, it cut too close to home. Now that I'm in a different situation, I feel that I can talk about this.
Brittany Maynard chose to end her life on her terms, and in her time. And her death was dignified. Brittany's answer to the question of how to die in a dignified way is not mine. Brittany died in a dignified way, and in a why that was her choice, and her right. And it was dignified, for her.
My choice, in my situation, is very different. My decision to die in a hospital with hospital care is dignified for me. And that is the question for all of us: what is dignified for you? All along, I have made decisions that were right for me. And this includes how I'm choosing to die now. For some of you, dying in a hospital with assistance from devices like a catheter (which I now have) may not be dignified, but for me, this care it is one more decision that gives me more time and is the right choice for me.
Throughout my treatment, I have always chosen quantity over quality. As in, I want to live as long as I can. I chose multiple clinical trials, which was risky, but seemed to offer the promise of quantity of time. Which was my choice, and a decision I made with dignity.
What has been important to me, has been the ability to spend more time with my friends, and my family, and my husband. And because of my choices, I have been able to do so. Even now, even in the hospital, and maybe even in a way in which I couldn't've, if I were to have chosen to die at home.
In many ways, dying as a young adult with stage four cancer is unique. My body is strong and healthy, except for the parts being destroyed by the cancer. And the parts being destroyed by the cancer need lots of medical care. The other day my oncologist said to me, "If you were a 70 or 80 year old woman, you would only have a couple of days, but because your situation is so unique, we can't make those kind of predictions." This idea of being unique has been an oft repeated refrain, throughout my treatment. My case is unique in many ways, including the fact that I am a young adult, and that I have been so relatively healthy, in spite of my cancer.
To me, dying with dignity means making your own choice. For me, I made my own choice. Much in the same way that Brittany Maynard made her own choice. And I hope that anyone who has to die from cancer is allowed to make their own choice - which is how I define dying with dignity.
(Hi, Matt Damon here. (As in the husband.) So my wife asked me to help her write this final post. She dictated her thoughts to me, and I tried to put them together as best I could, which isn't her usual style, and so if you noticed something seemed different about the writing style, you were correct.)
